Here we go...

   Seriously? Why is it taking me so long to figure out what to write? There is so much in my head that needs to get out that it's all getting stuck. I'll tell you now; my mind runs in circles, I'm not the best at expressing my thoughts, and some of what I type may make no sense to you at all. If you're still willing to torture yourself by sticking around, then feel free to do so. If not, thanks for stopping by. Have a great day.

   For those of you who are still here and willing to deal with my sarcasm, frequent rants, times of joy, and sadness, welcome! I decided to start this blog to share what we are dealing with as a family. My friends and family know what we're going through so I won't go into that very long story right now. Anyway, I decided that I needed an outlet for those times when I get into a funk, just need to get things off my chest, or have something great to share. Welcome to my roller coaster. I hope you enjoy the ride.

   The past week has been a rough one. We, once again, had some insurance issues but I'm pretty sure that's been straightened out now. I spent two hours having a panic attack over it last Tuesday and ended up with a migraine for the next two days.

   When we went to visit "C" on Wednesday, we found out that most of the kids there had the flu and they weren't allowing any kids to visit. Thankfully my sister was there with her sons and they took "E" with them to get something to eat while the hubby and I visited. He was upset that the boys and "E" couldn't visit but he understood. We didn't have the best visit. Most of it was spent with his therapist discussing things that had happened on Monday and Tuesday, what he did, what he should have done, etc. Yeah, not a great visit, but not the worst. At least he was in a fair mood when we got there.

   I talked to "C" on the phone Saturday and he was having a pretty good day. He was in a good mood but sounded a little sad. God, how I wish I could just go and give him a hug.

   Sunday's visit - even worse. I called ahead to see if "E" could visit and if the other kids were feeling better. Thankfully, most of them were well again and "E" could go. We were so excited to see "C". When he walked in, he seemed fine. We all got hugs and sat down. I asked him how he was doing, if he was having a good day, etc. Then he started crying. "I want to go home. I promise I'll be good. I'll do better. Please, I just want to go home. Why won't you take me home? I miss everybody so bad. I want to go home." Have you ever had your heart break into a million pieces and want to bawl your eyes out, and not be able to do anything about it? Ever have to hope that you are able to hold it together, again, when you feel like you are totally falling apart inside and your heart is being ripped out of your chest? Try telling your crying child that they can't come home. Try explaining to your toddler where their brother is every day and why they can't go play with them right now. Try having your toddler ask, every time you start to leave the house, if you're going to go see their brother. Try going anywhere and seeing happy, healthy, "normal" kids, then go home and not have one of your children there. Yeah, I think that gives you a little idea of what I go through on a daily basis. Anyway, I finally got him to calm down and stop crying long enough for us to have an "okay" visit and talk. Then it was time for us to leave.

   Back on the roller coaster.....then there's "E". She's so full of life, has a great sense of humor, and keeps me on my toes. We're in the middle of potty training and she's doing great with it. She's such an easy toddler, most days. Yesterday she peed in the potty at Walmart, for the first time. Until then, she was terrified of the toilets that are in most public restrooms. She finally did it though!

   I know that I am blessed. It's just hard to feel it through the frustration and sadness some days. I can't wait until the day that "C" comes home and we can begin the next stage in our lives. It's going to be a rough ride and there may be some potholes once we're there, but we're going to get there. That's the main thing.