Can't wait...

Last night was terrible. I was up until after 2am then once I made myself go to bed, I just laid there - thinking. What the therapist said hit me. "We need to talk.", "I'd rather tell you in person", "He's punishing you for not "saving" him.", "Be prepared.", "You need to be strong and stick to your guns." Okay, when she said those things, I didn't really think it through. Laying in bed, with no distractions, I got scared. I know what C is capable of. I know that he has injured himself before when he hasn't gotten his way. I've sat here and watched him scratch the blood out of his arms and threaten to kill himself because he didn't get his way; trying to get me to give in. Those words sunk in and all I could think of was "OMG! What has he done to himself?". Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep after that and woke up with a headache and on the verge of tears. I hope that I am wrong and that he's just mad and going to give me an earfull when I get there, or that he'll be crying again the entire time I'm visiting. Still, I can't help but think he's hurt himself, in some way, to get to me. So that I'll give in and bring him home. It's going to be a rough day. Waiting. This feeling won't pass until I can see him - until I know he's okay. These are the times that I can't help but wonding just how much damage I'm doing to him by having him there and refusing to bring him home. I know it's for the best but I can't help but worry and wonder.